Why You’re Having Trouble Being Yourself In Business | Sara McCabe Consulting

There are currently 13.6 million posts on Instagram that have the hashtag #beyourself on them.

There are entire campaigns built around the idea of us “embracing who we are!”

If you participate in social media today, chances are you’ve seen one of those 13.6 million posts I mentioned. Here’s my beef; they don’t do shit, and they aren’t meant to.

You get all the hutzpah of an empowering message (just enough to encourage you for the day) without ever having to do the real work. For all the good social media can do, one of its greatest downfalls is that it forces users to pair down lessons that are incredibly complex into small, albeit aesthetically pleasing bite-sized pieces.

As someone who loves a quick win just as much as the next person, I would be lying if I didn’t admit I had an entire folder dedicated to empowering quotes (because we all need pep talks, dammit!)

Still, I know they are no substitute for the real work.

A great deal of my job focuses on helping business owners build businesses that are truly in support of who they are. That means we do some serious work around their current definition of leadership, their self-awareness, and how to utilize their traits to the max. Because, as you know, we’re ultimately more successful in almost every way when we do that.

The irony that I happen to be utterly sick of the word authentic is not lost on me, given the fact that I help people operate in that way.

You can imagine when this question landed in my inbox last week, I took it very seriously.

After having chewed on the question for a few days, I still felt somewhat stumped. How could I condense my personal and professional learnings into a single email? How could I convey the steps I take clients through in 8 weeks into quick, actionable steps.

You’re right, it’s a somewhat impossible task, but those are my favourite. Let’s consider this a part two to the 6-ish minute long video I already sent to the reader who asked me that question because I am nothing if not thorough.

When confronted with the question of how do I “just be myself.” It would be negligent not to first look at our society as a whole. The truth is we are operating in a society that very much favours specific bodies, lifestyles, and colours of skin.

For me to sit here and think that I, a white, able-bodied, hetero woman, could be an absolute authority on how to ‘just be yourself’ would be nothing short of ridiculous like Joe Exotic level of insane.

It needs to be explicitly stated that I hold certain privileges, which ultimately make it easier for me to do that.

Acknowledging those truths is like opening one door in a hallway full of doors. Each one of us has moved through life, having experienced completely different things, and those situations have impacted us all in our own unique ways. Those moments have shaped what we believe is ok and not ok to share.

We all have different doors that need opening.

Exploring the topic of authenticity or how one operates in that way really means we must first uncover what is stopping us from behaving that way in the first place?

I’m reminded of a few pivotal moments that shaped my early belief system surrounding my behavior at work.

• My first management role, customers consistently would be dissatisfied with my answers. They would seek out help from my male employees, only to be told the same thing, yet somehow didn’t argue with them.
• I was told relatively often that I was too emotional when I was younger. Only further compounded by business school telling me feelings have no place in business.
• I’ve been called aggressive more times than I can count.

Sadly that messaging made it feel wrong to share certain parts of myself; it encouraged me to share only a fraction of what I, a multi-faceted human, have to offer.

The same is true for you.

You are a human before you are a leader. You are complex, layered, and likely contradictory at times. Isn’t that fucking awesome?

If only we had permission to be just that.

Now before I start waxing poetic about just how endlessly surprising and confusing humans can be, let me address yet another roadblock on our journey to ‘authenticity.’

If it helps bring levity to what can feel like a long, arduous journey, I like to imagine we’re all in a game of Mario Kart, and there will always be some banana peels on our path that we’re going to have to dodge.

So, on to the next banana peel!

Last night after I posted a series of questions about authenticity, one of the lovely humans who does me the great honour of following me sent this.

Yes, friend! You are right!

By expanding our “office” to an online space, we’ve opened ourselves up to public opinion.

The fear of public ridicule encourages us to edit ourselves further into a more ‘widely accepted’ package. Hence why 81% of you admitted that you think about how you’re being perceived often. Thank you for your honesty!

It may feel like there were clear cut rules before about how to behave, but the truth is there has and always will be far more unspoken rules. That’s what we’re really contending with.

Unspoken rules look a little something like this.

• If you’re in wellness, you never get mad, swear, or eat junk food.
• If you’re a good leader, you’re confident, charismatic, and ALWAYS know the right answer.
• If you’re an accountant, you must be serious (we all know they’re the biggest freaks, right?)

What are some unspoken rules that are stopping you?

This is one of those uncomfortable truths that must be acknowledged to move forward. I cannot tell you how many people write to me saying, “Sara, I’m just scared of being misunderstood.” As humans, all we want is acceptance. When we show up vulnerably, and it’s met with judgment, that’s a gut punch like no other.

So let me acknowledge the level of bravery I’m asking you to bring day in and day out. That shits hard. I can help you open some of those doors in your long dark hallway, I can encourage you (in fact, it’s my honour to do so) to be as authentic as possible, but the choice to move through your professional or personal life in that way is all yours.

What made me throw my hands in the air and say “f**k it”, after years of doing a pretty good job only offering up a fraction of myself? “I didn’t like the results I was getting when I was pretending to be someone else.” That’s not to say I didn’t get promotions and do well, but let’s be honest, winning when you don’t get to be yourself never feels quite as good, does it?

Alas, we find ourselves at the third banana peel. Recognizing that certain things aren’t mutually exclusive, although the world tells us they are.

I hate to share my own personal examples because, you know, you’re not my therapist, but I do think it’s helpful to get the ball rolling.

• My intelligence is not negated by my goofiness or my constant need to dance.
• My sensitivity doesn’t make me weak. I can do plenty of hard things, but I will likely cry while doing them. That’s fine.
• I’m still good at my job, even when I don’t know the answer. It’s a ton of fun admitting you don’t know everything.

Whew! What a wild ride we’ve just been on. This is the longest article I’ve ever written, but it’s an incredibly complex topic, and this has barely scratched the surface.

I’ll summarize it for all you skimmers out there. When it comes to authenticity in leadership and work, these are some great places to start.

1. Acknowledge your privilege.
2. Ask yourself which parts of yourself you’re scared to share. Why do you believe that?
3. Are there unspoken expectations of someone in your industry or position that are stopping you from showing up in a more honest way?
4. Ask yourself, what do people always come to you for? Is it a laugh, encouragement, perspective….
5. Pick one small part of yourself to share. People need to connect to who you are for them to feel safe. Leadership is ALL about trust.

Authenticity is a muscle that must be built up over time. Most of us have never really flexed those muscles, so be patient, keep training, and call me if you have no idea how to use the equipment.